Decision Making on a Scarcity Mindset

A close up on one of Rodin's Burghers of Calais - a great visual for the feeling of lack - his head hangs so low, he can't even see his options!

A close up on one of Rodin's Burghers of Calais - a great visual for the feeling of lack - his head hangs so low, he can't even see his options!

Research has shown that people who encounter scarcity in their lives consistently have trouble making sound decisions that will bring them success in the long term. If you have ever had a shortage of anything - time, money or food - this comes as no surprise.

Even more surprising is that a person operating under a mentality of scarcity, whether not that scarcity exists, will make worse decisions than a person who is operating under a mentality of abundance.

Hall of Mirrors at Versailles Palace. You can use this image to connect to the energy of abundance. It's all around us!

Hall of Mirrors at Versailles Palace. You can use this image to connect to the energy of abundance. It's all around us!

The mentality of scarcity causes  people to stop being able to make decisions for the long term and look just at the short term issues that are directly in front of them. In other words, they prioritize the urgent over the important - over and over and over. The more one is consumed with “staying afloat,” and the longer one makes decisions for the short term, the harder it is for them to overcome hardships in the long run.

Changing the way we think about scarcity is not easy, especially for those who have encountered real scarcity in the past and fear going back to it. However, there are some small ways that we can all practice seeing the world as a place of abundance. Here are three suggestions for your practice today:

  1. Give up envy. When you are envious of another person, you are telling yourself that there is not enough beauty, love, fame or whatever else in the universe. That's bullshit and you know it - so set a boundary for yourself when those thoughts come up. 

  2. Practice gratitude. Notice the features of your life that are already abundant and practice appreciation and gratitude for those things.

  3. Ask for more. It is here for you. The universe is abundant. Dream big and look for the opportunities to move closer to your goals.

For more information on scarcity and sociology, check out this article.

Louis XIV, the Sun King welcoming you from his horse at the entrance to the Palace of Versailles.

Louis XIV, the Sun King welcoming you from his horse at the entrance to the Palace of Versailles.

These pictures from Paris illustrate the contrast of these two mindsets. Louis XIV and his incredible Palace of Versailles are the very essence of extravagance, opulence and possibility. Use his example to take your understanding around your own mindset deeper today.

If you knew that every beck and call would be answered, every request met, every resource was in full supply...

  • What would be different in your experience?
  • How would you show up in your life? 
  • Who would you be if you felt like Royalty every day of your life?

In order to hear Yes, you must hear No No No, Part 2

Sales IS service.

Let’s say you want to make 6K in sales this month. You decide to start making your calls and are hearing “No.” True service is…

  • Being unafraid of that answer, and also unafraid to dig into that answer.
  • Asking the person on the other line questions that give him/her the freedom to choose consciously, not habitually, how he/she would like to proceed.
  • Staying detached from your client’s story around his/her resistance.
  • Trusting yourself and your potential client to work together to find the proper way to move forward.
  • Knowing that the sales conversation that results in “No” was an opportunity for that person to exercise his/her right to choose.
  • Providing opportunities for each person to grow, including yourself.

Hearing “No” to the question of working together is not about you being interesting or skilled enough. The question wasn’t “Am I an amazing life coach (healer, teacher, facilitator, yogi)?” (Because you know the answer to that one.) The question was: “Are you, potential client, ready to make the emotional, financial, and bold commitment to challenging some of the things that have kept you feeling safe your entire life, in order to experience something new?” That’s a BIG question. There are all kinds of repercussions of transformation. The butterfly never becomes a caterpillar again, can never re-enter the cocoon. Honor yourself for holding the space and asking the questions they may never have been asked.

Being able to hear “No” broadens your capabilities as a coach. It’s counter-intuitive, as it seems in order to grow as a coach, you must have clients. This is true...but if this person isn’t your client, it means someone else MUST be. It’s essential to learn how to hear the truth of “No”, and to not take it personally, so you can move on to serving the people you’re truly here to serve.

If you are doing sales and being of service: there's nothing you can do to make a person work with you who isn't meant to, and there's nothing you can do to prevent a person who's meant to work with you from doing so. Surrender.

As you may have already surmised, learning to not take “No” personally is important in more than just business relationships. Before a recent and amazingly transformative couples’ retreat with the inimitable Marla Mattenson, I only wanted to hear a “Yes” from my partner. It was an unconscious desire. I have so many preferences and I wanted him to share in all of them. This unrequited desire for him to agree with me on everything turned up as stickiness in all areas of our relationship, from literal physical tug-of-war when walking down the street (I may appear small but I’m FIERCE!), to a lack of harmony in our more intimate moments.

What Marla and my beautiful partner helped show me was that only wanting to hear “Yes” from him meant I wasn’t open to the truth of what he was experiencing. I only wanted to hear YES to my desires - and it totally shut down my curiosity about his preferences. In order to be in true partnership with my beloved, I need to honor, respect, and welcome the truth of his desires - even when it hurts, feels disappointing, or even seems wrong to me.  

When you stand unconditionally in your self-worth and hear what is true for another person, it is one of the most liberating and fulfilling experiences you can offer. That’s when a relationship can truly begin - a partnership.

Are you ready to begin a partnership that will help you to take your business to the next level, blasting past limitations and into the freedom of true service?

I know someone who can help you. (Hint: It’s me).

Contact me and let’s get blasting.

Missed Part 1? Read it here.

In order to hear Yes, you must hear No No No

What’s your relationship to the word “No”?

For most of us, it’s somewhere on the spectrum of dread at one end to complete, paralyzing fear at the other.

“No” is a powerful word. Ask any 2-year-old.

...better yet, ask the 2-year-old’s parents.

“No” sets limits, creates boundaries, and inherently determines direction: in sales, in relationships, in everything. It can be very useful in that way. But hearing “No” can feel like a slammed door, a complete rejection, a message to “Get out and stay out!”

What is it that makes “No” one of the most difficult things to hear and accept?

There is a part of all of us that wants to be approved of, to be liked, that wants to hear “Yes.” (In fact, not just “Yes” but “YES!!!!!!”) It shows up all over the place, and can manifest differently depending on the individual. For some it’s crucially important to their sense of self-esteem that they hear “Yes” from many sources, and often. For others it only comes to call every now and again...like in sales, or maybe in the bedroom. It’s that part of us that looks outside of ourselves to find self-worth, approval, and affirmation.

And that, dear friends, is codependence at its finest: using another’s perception or feeling to determine how YOU feel about yourself.

This blog post has two parts: first, to give some concrete tools to entrepreneurs who are stymied by the fear of “No”; then in two weeks, we’ll elucidate why sales is such a powerful spiritual practice.

What to do with “No”s?
Any entrepreneur can tell you: you may hear a lot of “No”s in the beginning of a business. This can be very difficult, especially if your business has been born of a deep inner desire to give your gift to the world. Hearing “No” can be painful because it feels so personal. You want success, you want to earn money, you want to prove to yourself and the world that you can do this thing - and each “No” can feel like a refusal of your deep desire - or of you as a person.

So be kind to yourself as you read this post - there’s some tender places in you that are ready to be seen.

It’s a given that when you hear a “No,” you are always going to respond in some way on the inside: frustration, disappointment, anger, self-loathing, the sense that something (probably you) must be wrong are all common reactions.

Bring your consciousness into the mix, and you can make this response a choice - 100% up to you. How do you want to respond when you hear “No”?

  • What would it look like to say “Yes” to “No”?
  • What would it mean if it wasn’t a bad thing to hear “No”?
  • What if “No” was just a cue to get curious?

 Take that “No” and use it to grow.

Think of your “No”s as a training tool for your and your clients’ highest good. They are your chosen curriculum. It is in the vast, gory, and glorious training ground of “No”, where you will grow the fastest in dismantling your codependency.

Get curious about your resistance to hearing “No.” If you hear “No” and feel dejected, despondent, frustrated, or discouraged - if you only feel good about yourself when others say “Yes” to you -  how open can you be to the actual truth of a situation or relationship?

Now ask yourself: “What truth is this ‘No’ revealing? Is it a part of the person’s resistance pattern? Is it their fear talking? Is it revealing something about my resistance or fear?” Sit with your teacher whose name is “No” and ask her: “What do you want me to see? What do I get to work on next?”

“No” should not be a cue for self-punishment at all…it’s the self-punishment/negativity/frustration that’s getting in the way of you having what you want, not the “No” itself.

Until you are able to tease out your codependent need to hear “Yes” from your business, the lines will be messy, and both you and your business will be weighed down by the load. If you want to build a business, if you want to sell, you have to be willing - and even eager - to hear “No.”

If you’re in it to win it, you have more “No”s coming your way. Why? Because your highest self wants them. They help you see your codependent patterns and consciously choose freedom. Your highest self is here to grow, provide more, be of the absolute highest service you can possibly be to others - and you can’t do it if you’re constantly hoping and needing other people to make you feel good about yourself. Your highest self is sending you clear signals about what to work on next. Your reaction to the “No”s shows you where.

In order to be of service to others, you must master the tricky and sticky tendency to make someone else responsible for your feeling of worthiness.

If you don’t put any conditions on another person to make you feel good about yourself by buying your product, hiring you, or agreeing with you, you literally free them from any responsibility to take care of you. It’s a powerful act of abundance - to step into such self-love and faith that you don’t need to put any conditions on those around you.

Be genuinely curious about someone else’s truth, and you will magnetize all the “Yes”es you could hope for.

UPDATE! Read Part 2 here.

Connecting to your Masculine Energy

Much of my work is about helping people integrate the different parts of themselves - intellectual, emotional, physical, and spiritual. Taking time to deeply connect to our masculine energy (which we all have, regardless of sex) is a way to cultivate direction, strength, leadership, purpose, and power. The following practice is designed to support you in connecting deeply with your masculine energy in a powerful and integrated way while still staying connected to the energy of support.

You don’t have to muscle your way through life, or force anything. That’s not what masculine energy is about.

Note: If you are in a male body, you can connect directly to this practice on a physical level. If you are in a female body, you can connect to your internal masculine and experiment with what that feels like for you.

Come into your body.
Take some time to stretch, or move, or sing, or whatever helps you come into meditation.

Find stillness from movement, find silence from sound.
Let the stillness and silence emerge from a place of desire.
If you don’t want to be calm and still and silent, that’s ok too.
If stillness and silence find you, let them feel really good, nourishing, really sweet.

From that place, wherever you are, let yourself sink deep inside of your awareness.
Relax your jaw. Relax your throat, opening energetically and physically.
Soften your heart, opening to receive.

Connect to your masculine energy, your cock energy.
Literally feel your genitals - feeling that strength, power, energy, and openness.
You can get soft there too, or you can really activate and engage.

You don’t have to go into your sexual energy - but do engage that part of you that is turned on, turned up, lit up from the inside.

Feel what’s authentic to you.
There’s no pressure here. It’s not like you can do this right or wrong. It’s about what feels good to you today and bringing your full bodied consciousness into this moment.

Let go of anything that you’re ready to let go of.

Claim and take in anything that you want for yourself today.

Connect to these three power points:
Your throat
Your heart
Your genitals

Give your attention to those three areas and find a sweet spot for yourself today in each zone.

Call in all of your guides, spirits and mentors to be here, present in this day. Call in the support to go as deep as you want to go today, to show up in your conversations and service today in the way that will serve your highest - and the highest of everyone that you encounter. Everyone you interact with. Feel this energetic support flanking you, supporting you - let yourself feel them on the physical, emotional, spiritual planes - so that you can let go in ways that you may have never let go before, so that you can shine your fullest, purest, devotional heart with total freedom, total sincerity, total love, total power.

Extend and expand your energy so you can feel how big a channel you are. Feel yourself stepping into your highest expression right now.

You’re being called forth.

And so are all the others reading this, doing their own practice.

Feel your heart, your whole core, vibrating at this very high level, supported so thoroughly, and being met by each other heart, each other core.

Inhale your own strength. Exhale your own deep relaxation into the support that’s here for you. Inhale into your own power, exhale into the infinite power that you’re channeling through you. You’re bringing in all of your fullness, all of your capacity, at the very same time that you are connecting the most deeply to the divine.

There’s no rush.
You can move and make sound again if that feels good to you, to come back to the surface. It’s up to you how you want to come back.

But stay connected to your Self. To your own power. To your own support systems.
As you plug in, with your eyes open, to the massive container that’s here for you today.