Earlier today, one of the brilliant humans in Sales Full Stop sent me this question:
How can I dismantle guilt around choosing to live the way I really want, even if someone else calls it indulgent, low frequency, or something that people with money don’t do? I’m struggling to mitigate the emotion that arises when I let myself be, do, and have the things I want.
We went back and forth about a few things, and then landed on the work of reparenting. I remembered some things I learned about secure attachment from a parenting podcast and wrote out these notes to share with her.
It was so fun, I decided to share it with you, too.
The Three Markers of a Secure Attachment
And what to do with them as an adult, whether you have kids or not.
- Delight
RESEARCH: The amount of delight that the parent experiences when they are with their child indicates how secure the attachment is. A secure child knows they are a source of joy.
REFLECT: Take that in. How much genuine delight did your parents or caretakers feel and show when they were with you? We’re not on a witch hunt, just looking at the truth.
TURN INWARD: How much delight do you feel with your inner child?
Delight says: You are wanted. You are welcome. You are loved.
- Return to Play
RESEARCH: How quickly a child gets what they need and returns to playing indicates the security of their attachment. A secure child can get what they need and then go back to play.
REFLECT ON THE PAST: When you were a child, and you skinned your knee or got rejected by a playmate. Did you feel safe to come to your parents? If so, did you get what you needed so that you could go back to play? My own past had led me to think that my child’s secure attachment to me would be indicated by how comfortable he was being close to me – important to this, but incomplete. More important is how effective the parent connection is at fostering independence and helping the child return to the world.
TURN INWARD: The same is true inside. When your inner child is terrified, hurt, or angry, do they get what they need from you so they can return to play? Can you celebrate their feelings as a signal: they trust you enough to let you know?
- Parental Security
RESEARCH: A secure child rests in the parent’s confidence.
REFLECT ON THE PAST: If your parents felt insecure in themselves, their marriage, or the world, you felt that. We can only lean into as much security as they had. The calm, grounded confidence of our parents made space for us to focus on growing, learning, and becoming. Their confidence in life shelters us so we can grow.
TURN INWARD: How secure are you when your inner child shows up raging, complaining, or afraid? Can you be the solid ground? Can you remain present when your inner child freaks out? Can you be a shelter for yourself?
Confidence is the expression of a secure attachment, and it shows up in every generation of our lineage.
Reparenting in Practice
This is the work of reparenting: to become the parent we always needed, for the child who still lives inside. How do we talk to ourselves? Does your inner child feel safe coming to you when they’re scared? When they have nightmares and the world is overwhelming? When they get overstimulated?
This is not abstract. It’s about being human.
How present are you?
How genuine?
How much yourself can you be?
Wherever my childhood attachment was shaky, parenting my son has taught me to parent myself.
I am delighted by my child.
I am delighted by myself, by my inner child.
I celebrate my child’s ability to go back to play after needing comfort from me. I don’t hold onto him.
I celebrate my ability to slow down and be with the tender parts of myself and then get back to work. I don’t rely on defensive self-reliance or get stuck in needy codependency.
I honor my child’s boundaries without question. I don’t ask for explanation or logic.
I honor myself. I respect myself. I stand by myself.
Ask yourself:
Am I a haven for myself when I am sick, hurting, or afraid?
Can I stand by myself in my difficult emotions?
Do I delight in myself the way a loving parent delights in their child?
Be loving, present, curious about what arises. You have the perfect resources to meet whatever your inner parts need.
Love,
Jesse
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